(An interesting trait of a freewrite session is that should your fears infiltrate your words, you must write them to honor the freewrite.  With my birthday looming, assessment of Self is more frequent.  Day 93…)

Will I find my sanity where I find my glory?

I’ve never worried about myself
Even when depression and laziness formed an unholy alliance with my destruction as motive
There has been a mustard seed of assurance
That in the end
I would be okay.

I’ve always been unsure if i would be good enough for family
Not the family I was born into
The family I start
Now the childhood teasing weighs on my spirit
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes baby in a baby carriage
If I’m able to provide

An act of service all men must perform.
If legacy matters
And it definitely matters
Then I must be a provider
I’ve already spelled kisses with She in a cherry blossom tree
Matrimony and parenthood will follow.
I’m old enough now that the hollow of not having my own examples of a provider in my life
Should not affect my future generations
But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared.

Fear of the unknown grows when I realize I won’t know success or failure until after
Experience doesn’t grant you its blessing until after you need it.
Hopefully I can continue believing
We’ll be okay.